Bound in Promise

Promise and unforgiveness are the only two ways you are ever bound to another person in the domain of human relationships.

There’s a lot to explore to confirm that this bold statement is true and it may be the work of several posts.  But let’s begin.

In a recent post about forgiveness, I made the point that forgiveness is interpersonal—that it is in essence a transaction between two people and therefore there is no sense in attempting to forgive oneself.  The source of the debt that forgiveness inevitably deals with is a promise—whatever you were explicitly or implicitly promised.

In Webster’s original 1828 dictionary promise is defined as follows:

1. In a general sense, a declaration, written or verbal, made by one person to another, which binds the person who makes it, either in honor, conscience or law, to do or forbear a certain act specified; a declaration which gives to the person to whom it is made, a right to expect or to claim the performance or forbearance of the act. The promise of a visit to my neighbor, gives him a right to expect it, and I am bound in honor and civility to perform the promise. Of such a promise human laws have no cognizance; but the fulfillment of it is one of the minor moralities, which civility, kindness and strict integrity require to be observed.

2. In law, a declaration, verbal or written, made by one person to another for a good or valuable consideration, in the nature of a covenant, by which the promiser binds himself, and as the case may be, his legal representatives, to do or forbear some act; and gives to the promisee a legal right to demand and enforce a fulfillment.

3. A binding declaration of something to be done or given for another’s benefit; as the promise of a grant of land. A promise may be absolute or conditional; lawful or unlawful; express or implied. An absolute promise must be fulfilled at all events. The obligation to fulfill a conditional promise depends on the performance of the condition. An unlawful promise is not binding, because it is void; for it is incompatible with a prior paramount obligation of obedience to the laws. An express promise is one expressed in words or writing. An implied promise is one which reason and justice dictate. If I hire a man to perform a day’s labor, without any declaration that I will pay him, the law presumes a promise on my part that I will give him a reasonable reward, and will enforce much implied promise.

Let’s highlight just a piece of that wonderfully clear definition: “a declaration, written or verbal, made by one person to another, which binds the person who makes it, either in honor, conscience or law, to do or forbear a certain act.”  Given that promise is made by one person to another it is, like forgiveness, interpersonal; plus promise binds the person promising to do or forbear (not do) a specific act in relation to the person promised.  Thus making a promise creates an obligation to the person promised and that obligation exists in one or more of the domains of honor, conscience, or law.  In our current culture, our concern in regards to action has devolved to a focus nearly exclusively on legality; we have become very rusty in the domains of honor and conscience, but I’ll have to take that up on another occasion.

Honor is the domain of our public reputation, the level of esteem that we carry in the eyes of others.  We are bound in honor to keep a promise because when we don’t we get a reputation of being undependable, untrustworthy, flaky.

Conscience is the domain of our own internal sense of right and wrong; our internal judgment of our own actions.  I believe that promise is an aspect of natural law; the nature of being human, and is not just a social convention that is negotiated and flexible.  As demonstration of promise being a natural law, consider the reaction of a young child to a promise; let’s say the promise to go to the park after lunch.  If after lunch, something comes up and you don’t take your child to the park, they will react and feel the loss of what is promised—maybe they cry, demand, and so on.

Law of course is the domain of explicitly stated prohibitions put in place by a specific government entity with appropriate domain.

Promise is one of a number of speech acts called ‘performative language,’ which are characterized because the act of speaking a promise actually creates the promise.  When you explicitly (or implicitly) say ‘I promise’ a promise is created.  This is different from ‘descriptive language’ which is a pointer to something else.  For example when you say ‘a car’ a car isn’t created.

Random acts of kindness don’t carry the same impact as a promise.  Think of our young child again.  If after lunch you end up going to the park, the child while undoubtedly would enjoy the trip, there was never any expectation of going like there is in the case of promising to go to the park.

Now you may be thinking “this is all well and good Derek, but so what?”

If you are feeling isolated from others; if you are feeling disconnected from your friends and loved ones, it may be because you haven’t made promises that further your relationship with them.

Application:  “What promises can I make to my friends, family, and loved ones that will further and deepen my connection and relationship with them?”

January 12, 2013

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